Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wonder if my daughter and her roommate understand that all this stuff has to fit in one dorm.

When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.

*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.

I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.

[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.

10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-

Me: LANGUAGE!

10: -OG!

Me: ohhh my bad, carry on

I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.

[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager

Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy

Me: I can’t do anything right

Therapist: You’re in my chair

I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters

*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.

H: I think we should see other people.

Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.

This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.

if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.

Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t

Me: How was dinner?

Husband: Good!

Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?

Husband: …

*Next night*

Me: How’s dinner?

Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!

Me: Don’t patronize me.

Husband: *sigh*

I don’t care for the term drug mule, why can’t it be a drug unicorn.

My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled

Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.

Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”

[Standards Bar]

Politician: Make it a double.

In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.

[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.

if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?

Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!

stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.

I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012

1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours

2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money