What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
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A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.