Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car

It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.

If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit

It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.

Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?

[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]

Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.

Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??

Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles

MOST RESTAURANTS:

Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”

I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”

THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high

ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no

me: what’s our criminology class on?

friend: cannibalism

me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture

Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.

Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.

Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.

31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.

Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.

They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.

You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet

Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.

I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job

(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…

I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning

Plumber: you have hard water.

Me: you mean like ice?

on my driver’s license I look like a hobo

in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes

the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”

Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.

Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”

When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.

If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.

“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.

guy who strips completely naked before starting a fight with the menswear guy