Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”

A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.

“I’d like 3 second slices please”

In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.

[in crowded elevator]

Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?

*orders sushi for delivery*

*throws towel over aquarium*

Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.

Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.

I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.

Bringing them to the yard is easy

– bear traps will keep em’ there

Wow 🤣

My little toaster: *catches on fire*

Me: Coward.

The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.

Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.

You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”

Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.

Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.

Friend: I’m poly.

Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!

[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen

America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.

Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad

babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu

not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven

[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out

Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.

Cats are so graceful and light-footed.

[Cat tiptoes down the first half of the stairs and falls down the rest]

psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*

there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp

Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.

After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.

I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!

“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”

Anxiety.

luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something