Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.

I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”

don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious

“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.

Lovely man.

Banned from driving.

Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.

But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?

I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.

*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*

Me: I can’t do anything right

Therapist: You’re in my chair

[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now

just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi

“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.

Coach: Ice cream! My treat

Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?

Coach: My treat

“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”

[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine

It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married

when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight

2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.

me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]

my date: why my jacket

WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?

“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island

Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.

HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF

I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.

I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting

-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest

So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.

The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.

Opened my notes app and instead of finding MY notes, which I’ve saved on each iPhone I’ve had since 2017, I found SOMEONE ELSE’S NOTES.

These mystery notes include three local numbers, a password, and a SSN… Among less savory things.

BUT WHERE IS MY FINNISH NISSU BREAD RECIPE

I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.