Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
You Might Also Like
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
My company just gave the janitor the Employee of the Month Award in a big ceremony that he spent hours cleaning up afterwards.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
TRAVEL AGENT: thats your flight booked sir, where would you like to be seated ?
ME:*nervously* inside the plane
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.