Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no

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Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-

*looks at the casket suspiciously*

Erwin Schrödinger.”


[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men


You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan


My company just gave the janitor the Employee of the Month Award in a big ceremony that he spent hours cleaning up afterwards.


When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.


No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.


Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping

Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house

Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse


My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.

But congrats on your pregnancy!


TRAVEL AGENT: thats your flight booked sir, where would you like to be seated ?

ME:*nervously* inside the plane


My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.