@ieatanddrink

Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no

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@agasramirez

Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony

@ThaJawn

Dad Rabbit: Who is this
Daughter Rabbit: My BF
Emo BF Rabbit: gotta go babe, My band Bad Hare Cut has practice *flips ears away from eyes

@MarfSalvador

paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]

me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on

@stinky_blinders

Doctor: It turns out, you have a very rare disease

Me: Oh no

Dr: But I’ve discovered the Cure

Me: Really?!?

Dr: Yes, they’re a rock band from the 80’s and 90’s, you should give them a listen with what little time you have left

@xLiserx

Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.

@TedBundybitch

When I was younger I wanted to rule the world. Now I just want to spell words close enough that autocorrect can figure out what I’m saying

@JPLFR80

My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.

@BillFienberg

I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.

Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.

@pleatedjeans

Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes