Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I avoided Twitter yesterday because it’s full of misinformation but the first Tik Tok I opened was like “SOMEBODY TRIED TO UNALIVE TRUMP WITH A PEW PEW!!”

[plot twist] ur buried vertically

My one-year-old niece has started saying “bye-bye” when she wants people to leave. Honestly, I’ve never been so influenced by a toddler before

“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*

Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*

I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to watch their kids

Dear Kids,

“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…

I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse

Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.

it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands

*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up

“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”

*eats 12 pancakes

“Gotta wake up early”

*sets alarm for 5am*

*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*

*goes back to sleep*

What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.

What I actually buy in Aldi:

Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.

Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.

Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.

Has anyone ever died from waiting for a group of people to decide what they want to eat.

I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab

Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”

Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”

I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning

[First Date]

Him: And, how did you get here?

Me: My parents had sex.

me: hello 911

operator: actually you’ve reached 116

me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff

“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous

“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children

A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong

But it’s not the “worst way” either…

Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…

I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator

haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table

“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”

*sandwiches