Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

jokes on you i can still tweet in a straitjacket

They’re on their honeymoon

Hey, my eyes are up here.

Nope. Higher.

– snails, probably

[job interview]

“Tell me a strength.”

I’m a decision maker.

“Excellent. How about a weakness?”

I’m a bad decision maker.

Is my life this bad because I didn’t forward that email to 15 people back in 2007?

i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it

How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.

Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex

[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey

Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.

Me: Yup!

Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.

Officiant: Do you take this man?

Me: I do!

I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”

Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.

Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’

Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’

What’s the point buying it then?

when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm

It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.

The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming

Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.

A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.

I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*

When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.

The most accurate map ever devised.

Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:

7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That

Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!

*our canoe tips over*

Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.

Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.

Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.

The stickier the better.

-Rice, obviously

Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”

My husband and I take turns unloading the dishwasher, but I usually rerun it or pretend it’s his turn. He does the same, so basically, the dishwasher hasn’t been unloaded in three years.

If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.