Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]

boss: can you cook nights

a dragon: yes

[1994]

Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.

[2019]

Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.

I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?

I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.

Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul Afraides

Paul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes

Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?

Me: uh no

WCD: how about moomoo?

Me: can I have something in between?

WCD: no can do

Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.

Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.

me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?

8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?

me:

I always feel a bit out of the loop when people talk about “life-changing experiences”, because they always cite their kids being born, watching the sun rise over Kilimanjaro or finding god, and I just sit there thinking “I started using naan breads to dip in my soup this year”.

In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.

DADDY! You said the S word.
With Bull in front of it.

My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with

Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?

They did not miss in the small print

[Frat party]

Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-

CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.

Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent

My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all

*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?

I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.

Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.

if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out

[a person with cold hands]

DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE

[a dog with cold paws]

POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT

Does laundry while drinking

*somehow washes a lampshade

Eulogies are just goth stand-up.

I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…

teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number

me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that

Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”

CDC ”Stop right there!!”

I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.

“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers

I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.