Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*being broken up with*

Me: I thought we were on the same page!

Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it

My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.

[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]

little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶

“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds

Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.

If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?

Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.

So creative 😂

Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.

Both hands Mommy!

-my 4yo the backseat driver.

Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.

Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.

Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”

“It’s better to give than to receive.”

I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet

I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers

Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank

there are some wounds only potatoes can heal

Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.

Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.

I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.

“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”

i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg

I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman

i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses

people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic

When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?

[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other

[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family

[On a date at a restaurant]

So this is nice huh?

“Yea,uh, who’s that?”

*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*

Am I having a stroke?

[working in a nail salon]

Me: How short would you like me to bite them?