Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.

Me: WHOOMP! there it is.

Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.

Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?

Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨

People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old

ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces

ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri

WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.

If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.

Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.

I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.

If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.

GF: “Can I be frank?”

Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”

[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews

Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.

FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.

The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone

The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party

I’ve reached the age where I randomly yell things like “manifest!” because the word I forgot 15 hours ago has finally come to me.

getting cute, going outside and just f*rting freely because you’re too pretty for people to suspect you ☺️

And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.

[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho

Boss: Are you asleep?

Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off

B: That’s unacceptable!

M: I apologised, didn’t I ?

B: And where are your pants?

M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked

Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…

and standing outside your door…

and playing the harmonica.

Googles *getting back in shape*

Google: back?

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor

MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH

HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it

I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.

My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.

airing out the snack pack

To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.

HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”

Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.

Marriage Counsellor: …