Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
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Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
Guilty! 🤪
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.