Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
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texting my friend “why’s there a firetruck at ur house” while he’s boarding a plane to Europe
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes