Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Horrifying if literal: armchairs

There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil

I have written yet another poem about laundry

My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.

Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.

I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.

I love to see “pan-fried” on a menu. I hate food that’s fried in a shoe or a dolphin or something

If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.

I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes

rest in peace, 2023.

2023-2023

When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers

Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:

[first day as a pilot]

control tower: what are your coordinates

me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion

control tower: can you be more specific

me: simba

ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow

Me: why are you not drinking your milk?

3: it’s too cow-ey

Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”

BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala

Microplastics are a waste of time. I’m going straight to eating whole milk jugs

[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear

If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.

No reason

{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.

Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’

Women do not want to hear what you think..

They want to hear what they think..

In a deeper voice……

[1st day as a dr]

macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band

nurse: ahh we dont have those

macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery

nurse: umm how about a scalpel?

macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work

They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.

Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid

Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-

Me: the bottom half

Waiter: very good, sir

I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.

Me: I need to get something off my chest

Him: Here’s a towel

if i honk at this person maybe it will make them a better person

My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.

Where’s a careening bus when you need it?