Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?

HER: I asked if you were a “people” person

ME: ohhh…definitely not

Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂

Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI

I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .

An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.

My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.

Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries

“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid

Jim ate my sandwich.

It was clearly labeled.

Jim’s email is open on his PC.

Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.

The sandwich was LABELED.

I like to move it.

But not move it move it.

Just the one move it.

waiter: bread for the table?

me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)

6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?

Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow

Him: (opens mouth to speak)

Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.

My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.

Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.

“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you

*has no idea what a book even is*

I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.

health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water

snowman exchange student: (raises hand)

gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake

The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.

Wednesday

Ironic

Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.

Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.

If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?

“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”

*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion

My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?

“Okay Benjamin, now I need you to go outside, point your nose up at the sky, and slowly start turning around. I’ll yell when I get a good signal.”

Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.

This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”