Dating Tips
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
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I got shitfaced at a wedding and found some pills in a baggie in my jacket pocket. Took one, woke up the next morning; my dear reader I had swallowed a spare button.
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
I’m throwing a surprise 40th birthday party for my friend this weekend. He’s 34 so it’ll definitely work.
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*