Dating Tips
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
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I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
Vacation = Taking time off from work and going traveling.
Staycation = Taking time off from work and staying home.
Praycation = Still going to the office, but not doing any work and just praying you don’t get caught.
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
Sperm me would be swimming in the other direction
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod