Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
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I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
Beauty and the Beast
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car