Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?

My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?

I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.

“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”

They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”

Me going back to a library branch I used to work at to pick something up

Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.

From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”

That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.

Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas

Me, after a minor inconvenience:

Me: You said everything in here was edible

Willy Wonka: Yes, but-

Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut

My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”

Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”

Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots

*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer

Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right

*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*

SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?

ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.

Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.

Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.

I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!

Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.

The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!

had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before

(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it

Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter

“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.

If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.

Life’s too short to have your shit together.

Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.

so no one told you life was gonna be this way

I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.

me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!

Mississippi: *crying*