Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
You Might Also Like
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
Canada’s plan to take over the US is coming along nicely.
They sent down cold & snow to places that almost never get it.
Well played Canada, well played.
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
The child psychologist at my kids school doesn’t even have a degree…though I guess I shouldn’t expect a child to…
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
😐
Uncertain:
😐
Just married:
😐
Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
😐
Only $139.95! Act now!
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
This box wine has subtle hints of 7-Eleven parking lot and poor decisions.
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.