Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
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If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
My doctor sucks. Didn’t even kiss it better.
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
I stood for an entire general admission concert at age 46, will my prize be mailed to me or…
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
I’ve got a mind like a computer. Not like as “in quick information processing,”…. but like as in goes to sleep after 5 min of inactivity.
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
Me gasping and flipping off the vultures as they circle above the running track
My doctor was so right about clear liquids giving me more energy. After 4 vodka martinis, I wanted to paint the house.
Reminder:
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
My soul leaving my body when the lecturer says “let’s hear from someone who hasn’t spoken yet”😭