Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
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*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
Good point.
Finally
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off