Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.

If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.

Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.

*drives to liquor store

You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt

if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too

What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven

ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise

*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?

I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.

her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy

me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy

her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it

My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.

I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.

The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.

Her: What are you doing this weekend?

Me [getting ready to jump off the roof with an umbrella]: Science stuff

me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city

delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives

me: ..you’re so pretty

Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.

Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise

Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?

Doctor: sure

Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never

it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely

6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower

I hunt* my own food.

*run down the street after the ice cream truck

I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born

The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…

More hair in my drain.

Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso

[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?

My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life

Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.

🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you

-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge

It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible

I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.

I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.