Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

keeping a picture of my bed in a locket around my neck and staring at it longingly on my lunch break

“For a really awkward time, call me.”

-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.

waiter: any allergies i should know about?

me: uh, peanuts?

waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.

me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]

other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF

I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”

I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.

[dinner party at spooky castle]

host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..

guests: *gasp*

host: ..without a HUG!

ME: hmm…tastes like chicken

MORTICIAN: get out

nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”

My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.

*Geography Bee*

Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”

Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”

Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.

Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?

Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?

Can’t, trying to piece together today’s news from the jokes.

me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower

prison guard: those are ramen noodles

Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two

Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle

No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.

GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing

*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*

GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!

My husband asked if anyone had to use the bathroom as we approached a rest stop on the interstate. When everyone said no, he responded, “Speak now or forever hold your pee” and made some dad out there proud.

it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.

Reasons my 4yr old is crying:

She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.

My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.

richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn

It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.

BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.

ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.

“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….

*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!

I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.

🐱: “She’s injured, now is the time to strike!”