Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think that’s enough internet for one day…

*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*

Someone: describe your sex life in two words.

Me: my what?

me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god

My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….

Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*

Interviewer: how did you write that song?

Singer: well, I had an epiphany…

Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?

Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.

me: did you know there’s a complex named after you

oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?

me:

oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?

Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns

[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”

Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*

Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.

Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?

waiter: have a good day

me: love you too

you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet

Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop

today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower

Him: I’m an animal person

Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?

My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time

It’s almost ten o’clock, time for me to go outside and hit this big sheet of metal with a hammer in the parking lot for an hour and then turn my car alarm on

I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent

I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?

Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.

the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.

Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.

I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.

No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.

Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…

Then I threw clock at her face.

Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.