Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

reminder

Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*

My kids: what have you done?!

On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.

Dear Santa,

My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.

I’d tell you to go to hell but I work there and I don’t want to see you everyday.

I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.

[2025]

Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.

My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing

I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.

Her: You’ve been quiet.

Him: Thank you.

Once you realize I’m an idiot, my tweets start to make a lot more sense.

Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair

Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT

oh youre into retro physical media and urban exploration? enjoy getting killed by a japanese ghost while im playing black ops 6 in my unhaunted house, idiot

Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.

When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.

A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years

Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.

Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy

But should I sneeze on him just for fun?

My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.

DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work

I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.

Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great

waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good

If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.

Me: they call me Fred Flintstone

Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?

Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself

[first date]

Her: Are you wearing a wire?

Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*

In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera

So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?

Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…

[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.

If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.

Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.