Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
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From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
then why did i get this email
Chicken bread
The devil.
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
Call your teenage daughter by the dog鈥檚 name one time and she doesn鈥檛 talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
We鈥檝e come full circle
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I鈥檓 almost 13 – I鈥檓 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I鈥檓 15.
I wish I could veto my bills.
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I鈥檇 be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
bartender: what鈥檚 wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that鈥檚 excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
my back wasn鈥檛 made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
馃ぃ馃ぃ馃ぃ
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where鈥檚 Waldo.
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we鈥檙e gone.
Ummm