Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car

[hours later after date]

HER: It’s been 18 miles

ME: I insist

HER: But you drove both of us

Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name

How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?

We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.

A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.

We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.

My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.

[Date]

Her: Any hobbies?

Me: Monging mostly.

Her: Huh?

Me: I’m a monger

Her: Huh?

Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it

Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.

Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you

me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you

Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!

Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*

Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.

You’ll make me nervous.

dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone

Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying

Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.

The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.

So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits

I say yeah I do…

And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀

Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw

[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?

if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.

I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip

[touring beyonce’s house]

me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it

Mornin

Runner: What’s your fastest race?

Me: Taking the trash out at night

Amazon prime in the future:

Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow

Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?

“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger

When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.

Relationship stress can make you very confused!

Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?

Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.

Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.

She argues in Italian
She sings to you in French
She yells at you in German
In tones that make you clench
The girl is complicated
And very hard to please
When you disappoint her
She