Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays

I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.

I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.

If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.

all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.

Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.

[First day as a plumber]

Boss: What’s wrong?

Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.

[Zoo, bird show]

“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”

*bird headbutts window 50 times*

I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.

me: I put a siren on your car

cop: what’s that soun–

*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*

when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud

“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”

My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.

I…do not understand how electricity works.

Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂

when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week

I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.

Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence

I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.

From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,

🙀🙀🙀😹

Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.

Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red

Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are

Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?

Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.

Yes, we have some library patrons who are disinclined to receive assistance from a woman for twisted reasons, but don’t worry, they’re counterbalanced by the patrons who prefer to receive assistance from a woman for twisted reasons.

Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword

Mapping the Lickability of the Periodic Table

Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”

Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.