Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
Whoever said “out of sight, out of mind” never had a spider disappear inside their tent.
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
Love is in the air fryer.
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
