Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
Facebook is so funny. It’s a group called Black Jeep owners and a white man posted him and his black jeep and said “totally misunderstood the group name but I’m rolling w it. I love it here.” 💀💀
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
I am absolutely never leaving this website
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
Okay so this is wild. I’m using this ticket machine in Japan and it malfunctions and doesn’t give me my change.
Suddenly, a panel in the wall opens in the wall and a guy appears and tells me to hold on and then gives me my change.
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
i understand that my body can’t digest corn or whatever. that’s fine. my issue is that i f****** chewed it. how the hell is it coming out back in the shape of corn. what are they not telling us
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
