Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no

If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.

breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco

[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie

*Werewolf about to eat me*

Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.

Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.

I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files

THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.

*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!

[dinner w/friends]

“How long you two been married?”

It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.

Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!

Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.

I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.

Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…

Not today Satan.

Not today.

When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.

I know this now.

If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy

girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!

The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.

Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.

Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*

Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.

No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.

“Are you going to finish that?”

-takes a tantrum from a toddler

FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?

[at the same time]

HER: Frankenstein.

ME: Frosty the Snowman.

Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.

What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one

Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.

Me: we can’t climb on this

My Kid: the older kids are climbing too

Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to

My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read

Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*

I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc

Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”

I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.

Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”