Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*

*posts photo of me washing dishes*

*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*

Apparently my 6yo old son went to school with a Spiderman costume under his clothes. The students of Edison elementary are safe today

Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk

I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl

this meeting could have been a push down the stairs

SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*

CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!

You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.

Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome

🎵 I can’t wait to

Nonmaterial gift ideas:

An experience
A home cooked meal
Offer to destroy one of their enemies
Clean their house

(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):

what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money

What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?

An eighteist.

I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.

And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.

it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”

One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.

There’s a new part of my brain aggressively trying to make me completely dedicate my life to becoming an expert on German amusement parks. It’s like “hey dude this stuff might be the most important shit you’ll ever learn” and I’m like christ. You’re probably right

[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.

[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane

I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together

Me: they’re my service bees

Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you

Me: they’re trained

After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.

Phone: Unlock using Face ID.

Me: [looks at phone]

Phone: Ugh.

Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”

Her: Says who?

Me: Sesame

Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.

Is it because I’m brown??

Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK

[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.

If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?

*wakes up due to construction noise*

*tosses and turns all pissed off*

*finally decides to get up*

*construction noise stops*