Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
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Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
gave a tox lecture and i made a funny joke and one of students says “haha my friend told me about this joke when you made it for his class last year”
omg my worst nightmare the students are finding out i reuse my jokes noooooo
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises