Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
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Who says great literature is dead?
Lassie, get help!
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
me
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
when I go to parties I always bring my own plunger
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
real
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
Happy weekend !
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.