Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge

A NEW year? In this economy??? I’m settling for a certified pre-owned.

Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?

My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow

“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever

Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh

Dr: How may I help?

Me: Wife says I’m overweight

D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands

[later]

Wife: How’d it go?

M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music

There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.

When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange

My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now

pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet

guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*

“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube

Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage

me: dinosaurs can’t jump

her: how do u know

me: they’re dead Linda

The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.

I’m not saying I’m mad at you, but I hope someone breaks into your house tonight, toasts all your bread and then puts it all back in the bag

I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.

When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly

Britain be like

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The Chosen Phew

There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.

He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”

I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached

My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.

A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.

Me: oh man, I love the 80s

My grandparents: we have names

me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted

my house: what’s this about extra money?

This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.

Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.

The good ones are already taken.

The horror of touching the spoon on the bin when disposing of a tea bag.

Another spoon will now be on stirring duty. A pure spoon.