Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.

Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!

Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.

The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.

“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time

Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.

“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing

superman landing like a plane on his belly

Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is

[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”

if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital

They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.

me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is

her: ur welcome

me: it really means a lot

“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”

Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?

Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”

Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.

“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.

Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.

#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls

My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down

SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:

was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?

ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?

I thought I was being chased by a werewolf but turns out it was just my cousin Tony from jersey

As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.

As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.

As a man of men, I eat the beans again…

You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.

Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.

Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.

The kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were pretty dumb if they couldn’t figure out that their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time

We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee

I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.