Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”

And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.

Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.

The Lion King is my favourite film outlining why you shouldn’t trust your uncle

ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth

Just yelled “LET’S DO THIS” when getting into my car, so my neighbors think I am doing something way cooler than my weekly Target run.

*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*

me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein

Me: *drowning*

My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!

[middle of the night]

Me: Wake up!

Wife: What?!

Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig

Wife:

Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts

getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it

my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.

nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end

Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.

Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed

My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything

I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.

Moderator: your word is “impatient”

Sloth: can you use it

Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“

Sloth: in a

Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*

Sloth: oh great thank you

Moderator: what the

If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.

Me: What do you think about that?

Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*

5 minutes later

K

An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs

Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours

Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away

Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.

time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.

repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.

ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?

Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.

You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.

ATMs should have breathalyzers

I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.

Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total