Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.

*tornado takes out half of my house*

Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?

Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.

You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.

Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?

Me: Drunk!

A Haiku For My Salad:

I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad

Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.

*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”

Therapist: What’s the issue?

Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club

Therapist: You want to talk about it?

Me: That’s right

I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.

I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.

Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.

If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.

My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.

*Checks typos in the mail before sending*

*Checks again, to be sure*

*Clicks on Send*

*Goes to sent mails*

There’s a typo in the Subject

Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.

Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?

In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.

When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.

The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.

{Police Job Interview}

Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.

Recruit: Why kill a kitten?

Captain: You’re hired.

Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.

people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me

[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us

When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.

Or so I’ve been told.

Twice now.

I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.

That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.

If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.