Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
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Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window