Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

kids: the floor is lava

teens: the floor is laundry

The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.

Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza

Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?

4: I was hungry

Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?

4: because there was pizza

Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…

Not today Satan.

Not today.

me: how do i get a girl to like me

dad: be mysterious

[ next day ]

her: hello

me: i’m in the witness protection program

I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.

Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.

I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey

[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!

Son: Aw I wanted candy

Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading

Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife

[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted

eggs benadryl

“Check engine”

Yep, it’s still there.

Who wants to be my Valentine?

Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance

I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend

A door was tried in court.

It was an open and shut case.

english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald

How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.

It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.

Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.

at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom

6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT

all that yoga finally paid off

“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you

Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.

The only thing we need to bring back is duels.

There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geese

Guess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.

[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”

[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain

My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’

Same, kid. Same.