Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.

Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35

You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.

Her: Does that dog actually play chess?

Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.

*Dog Barks

Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.

Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you

I need to stop drinking so much. Did I say drinking. I meant thinking. I need to drink more.

As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.

*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says

me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me

student: professor?

me: shit

People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?

Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.

I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”

Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.

superman landing like a plane on his belly

I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.

what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen

what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.

*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother

The best-selling postcard of all time depicted a man and a woman under a tree. The man, reading a book, says ‘Do you like Kipling?’ and the woman responds: ‘I don’t know, you naughty boy. I’ve never kippled’. It sold 6 million copies

Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!

*wildlife shows up*

Home buyer: Not like that.

Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).

*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza

Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese

Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”

Me: “Oh, no thank you.”

I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.

I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.

I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.

Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.

“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah

I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.