Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
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Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted