Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
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Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
*furtive glance to make sure no one is listening* I keep my friends close and my enemies as far away as possible but don’t tell people that, we got a good thing going with the other thing
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’