Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.

[scene of car accident]

bystander: is your baby ok

me: no he’s a complete jerk

[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss

I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.

realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top

britain’s three elite institutions

Of course I have critical thinking skills I’m thinking critically of you right now.

Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.

Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.

To the knife wielding psycho who walked in on me in the shower; I’m sorry you had to see that

Catering service

*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.

Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril

I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.

“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”

the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”

Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?

when u come home smelling like another dog

🤝

☠️ ☠️

Overheard:

“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”

Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight

accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off

Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.

The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.

my father: enjoying the marching band?

me: yes 🙂

my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-

me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here

Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?

Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes

Therapist: So around what, five?

Me: Seven this morning

It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.

beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory

WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving

ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change

WIFE: ok you’ve got a week

ME: [crying] a weak what?