Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?

Me: can I go to the bathroom?

Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting

Me: so that’s a yes?

If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.

*zoom meeting*

Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion

Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening

911?

~He’s eating Top Ramen!

911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water

~NO! He’s eating it like soup!

911: That’s fucked up

~I KNOW RIGHT

the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud

Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..

don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags

Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.

#Caturday

I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water

Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.

We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation

I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.

I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.

No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.

-kids

The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.

Judge: you’ve been charged with assault

Batman: you mean battery

Judge: no it was physical assault

Batman: *whispers* batsault

Do we think Neil deGrasse Tyson is more upset about the idea of “Defying Gravity” or the concept of “Holding Space”?

I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.

Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes

ME: And this is my daughter.

HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?

ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?

normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking

“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.

I have no idea what I’m doing.

Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!

You’d better have a great day today

Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪

My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine

I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold

Always answer the door wearing a coat.
If you’re pleased to see them, tell them you’ve just got home.
If you don’t want them in, say you were just on your way out.
😁

I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.

Neighbours are away & the house-sitter asked me for help with the back door that was stuck. Grabbed GT85 lubricant, fixed the sliding bolts, & while she was distracted, I lubricated the creaking hinges on their front door that have been driving me mad for 3 years.

Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?

Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*