Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[First date]

Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”

Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”

“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”

This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me

Home Alone (1990)

A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives

my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case

I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office

DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow

T-REX: oh great

A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.

I felt a fool.

Everyone else was wearing clothes.

Meeeee too!

I triple waxed for this?

The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.

5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.

Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.

5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.

The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.

I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.

Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya

CW- Google what?

* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit

* makes eye contact

*slow presses enter

why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes

My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.

My husband: Get used to it kid.

Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.

If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.

I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.

90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.

“That there’s a damn shame, Bill. Yeah, no, sorry, I didn’t see anything. I was visiting my sister’s tree over on Morgan. I’ll ask around and let you know if I hear something, though. Geez, what a world, am I right? Anyway, your homeowners policy should cover it, no?”

He has notifications on for me pray for his phone

*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.

So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?

The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it

In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.

“Yes, I need to check in.”

“Sir, this is a burn unit.”

“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”

Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?

Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.

A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.