Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids

A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.

My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.

If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.

#dalle2

The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.

When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?

DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME

It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.

Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.

“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.

According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illness

And the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”

Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?

ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet

[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing

[later, at my place]

Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom

Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?

I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.

My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.

Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.

If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.

Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?

I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.

My doctor sucks. Didn’t even kiss it better.

Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials

It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.

Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first

box: meow

schrodinger: ignore that

Perfection.

I will never stop laughing at this