Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”

Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”

My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”

My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.

#WorldWaterDay

I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.

McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please

Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?

McConaughey: I don’t know

Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.

My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….

I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.

If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.

Whoever’s responsible for the Microsoft outage is getting fired anyway, so the smart thing to do would be knock Teams out for the day too and leave a hero.

Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.

doctor: the bad news is you’re dying

me: so there’s good news?

doctor: not for you, no

if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business

[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.

Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.

*slowly slides PBJ under seat*

I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”

Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell

Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song

Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow

beware of dog
(jukin media)

Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.

I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.

I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.

If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.

[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend

Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.

Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.

Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.

Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.

Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.

Halloween is cool because it’s the one night a year I don’t get in trouble for pretending to be a doctor