Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]

My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis

If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.

A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!

Do you sell bloodpants?

“Nope”

Shitpants?

“Nope”

Droolpants?

“Nope”

Sweatpants?

“Right this way…”

If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)

[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me

Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.

I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.

I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults

I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.

Thus I have to move it to get a beer.

Because exercise is important too.

After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.

Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing

Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon

Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people

My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.

this is one of the best threads in twitter history

Friend: Good for you for working out.

Me: I said I done squat today.

My eye caught an article about the presidential debate but I read it as “preschool debate” and I’m pretty sure they’re the same thing

Size matters

– me, when alcohol is being poured

I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.

Me: And this is my house

Friend: What’s upstairs?

Me: Stairs don’t talk

If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.

I can always tell what part of my cycle I’m in by how concerned my friends are over my tweets

Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.

“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.

[on trial for murder]

lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water

me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-

judge: answer the question

I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.

some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me

Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live

Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.

Customer: can I get some bacon

Me: sure

Customer: can you make it fatty

Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make