Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
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I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
Me, trying to settle down in bed.
My dog: Raises head high, sniffs repeatedly, then intently stares directly over my head for a good 10- 15 seconds, then shoves his head under a pillow.
Anyone know an exorcist?
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
No fruit flies.
No fruit flies.
No fruit flies.[buys a single banana]
87,000,000 fruit flies.
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
Boss I didn’t win Powerball please ignore previous text. I WILL be in today & everybody should NOT get fucked
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”