Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
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You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
[getting kidnapped] grab my heating pad too pls
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
they say if you lose one of your senses the others become heightened like for instance i lost my sense of humor in a boating accident but now my sense of style is so on point i can tell when someone’s wearing white after labor day just by looking at them
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
18: Who’s saved in your phone as No?
Me: Like 10 different people, let’s just work on minding our own business.
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.