Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda

Every time.

I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.

I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”

Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.

Baileys it is.

Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.

Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.

Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.

Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.

I have a question and my question is, how can I look so cute in the mirror but like such a baked potato in pictures?

Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?

Me: Maybe for free HBO.

Cable Guy:

Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.

Cable Guy:

Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”

There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.

If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.

if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive

Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first

*entering first day of prison*

“Are you guys mad at me?”

No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.

I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.

Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough

God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.

Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.

Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?

Tastes victory

Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!

(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn

-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?

My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense

public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win

[high school]

Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs

Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank

If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.

Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.