Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.

Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..

robber: gimme your money

me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents

my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies

I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes

I’m going to call it Pungent

People ask “how did the Victorians come up with crazy stories like Dracula and Dorian Gray” and then you realize literally everything was poison. The wallpaper was coated in arsenic, babies were given opium for teething problems, you could die from wearing a hat

Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.

When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?

I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share

Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation

Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest

I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.

I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?

‘Your place or mine?’

Is the sexiest response to the question:

‘Where shall we bury the body?’

Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.

Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.

<first date>

Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*

Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*

Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.

I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha

You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.

“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”

normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”

I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”

me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-

boss: *leans in and whispers*

me: essential. they say i’m essential.

My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.

I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!

Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.

Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?

Go girl power!

Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?

My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.