Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.

People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?

Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.

Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.

now is it just me or does this dress look like she’s making pasta from scratch.

If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.

Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families

My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪

religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious

If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.

I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza

[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]

sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.

Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?

A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.

Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.

Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.

[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is

Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.

If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.

1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”

Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent

[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No

Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law

“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”

“Sir, she came in with you!”

5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”

Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it

5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”

(my first day in customer service)

Caller: I can’t understand you.

Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…

Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”

My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family

My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.

In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.

[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”

Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone