Daughter comes home with shirt inside out.
Me: Why is your shirt on wrong?
Daughter: I think you old people call it: “second base”

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I remember when I was like “I can’t believe we’ve been in quarantine for THREE WHOLE WEEKS!” That was 7 years ago.


Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji


Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult


*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!


First rule of Botox club:

Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.


Practicing karate in my driveway to strike fear into potential burglars.


Dear autocorrect,

I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.

Quit your shit.


I love when guys ask how big my tits are like as if men have any idea what bra sizes mean. I could tell a guy I’m a WD-40 and he would be like “omg so hot”


Seriously, soup?

If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.


[on a rocket which just launched into space]

Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.