*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
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Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.