I remember when I was like “I can’t believe we’ve been in quarantine for THREE WHOLE WEEKS!” That was 7 years ago.
Daughter comes home with shirt inside out.
Me: Why is your shirt on wrong?
Daughter: I think you old people call it: “second base”
You Might Also Like
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
Practicing karate in my driveway to strike fear into potential burglars.
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
I love when guys ask how big my tits are like as if men have any idea what bra sizes mean. I could tell a guy I’m a WD-40 and he would be like “omg so hot”
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.