@Momtoteens

Daughter comes home with shirt inside out.
Me: Why is your shirt on wrong?
Daughter: I think you old people call it: “second base”

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@kumailn

I remember when I was like “I can’t believe we’ve been in quarantine for THREE WHOLE WEEKS!” That was 7 years ago.

@ayyyyloser

Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji

@Emma_Oh_

Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult

@4SLars

*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!

@Leslie_Annie

First rule of Botox club:

Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.

@Roxtalled

Practicing karate in my driveway to strike fear into potential burglars.

@MarshallMcFar11

Dear autocorrect,

I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.

Quit your shit.

@themeredith

I love when guys ask how big my tits are like as if men have any idea what bra sizes mean. I could tell a guy I’m a WD-40 and he would be like “omg so hot”

@Lerky

Seriously, soup?

If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.

@EllaZee5

[on a rocket which just launched into space]

Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.