Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
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Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
#oldknees
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*