Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:

– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm

He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”

My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome

Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?

I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”

“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.

[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo

TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future

ME: Really? Who wins the election?

TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace

ME: You need to be more specific

pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed

I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles

My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.

WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG

ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale

WIFE: Oh thank God

This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’

I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.

I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.

Genie: last wish

Me: I wish I could fly

*poof*

Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…

Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?

Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes

Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.

Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.

Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?

Me: Yeah! Slept.

Husband: Correct, good night.

I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit

I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.

“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.

Lovely man.

Banned from driving.

I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top

*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*

*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.

[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST

I never dropped acid in college but I did drop American Lit, Intro to Philosophy, General Chemistry and Phys Ed.

If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.