Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”

Yup, NOT going in there.

*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*

Me: *smugly* I couldn’t name any Taylor Swift Songs

Them: I think she already named them.

My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.

Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.

*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*

Does beer think about me too?

I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.

ㅤ

We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.

[at the gym]

PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?

*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*

ME: totes

so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset

Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night

Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?

Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.

never forget

I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.

I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!

Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!

Me: Want some trail mix?

Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.

Me: It’s homemade.

A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”

The Lion King is my favourite film outlining why you shouldn’t trust your uncle

Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts

*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*

Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.

There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.

*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler

Me: Have a taste of your own medicine

*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*

Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!

Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.

I’m dismayed…

I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.

2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related

me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux

penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]

me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size