I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
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[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it