Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”

Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”

The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.

Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships

If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either

if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears

gpt-6 will have the intelligence of someone who decided not to get a PhD

Dear Diary,

I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.

When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.

Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.

9yo: Who took my hair tie?

Me: I didn’t.

9yo: I did not ask who didn’t.

NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?

ME: No

NURSE: Do you do drugs?

ME: *sigh* No

NURSE: Are you sexually active?

ME: *just starts crying*

companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them

[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT

Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.

My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”

Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”

gm

[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice

I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.

They do NOT make the iPhone keypad for large hands … I go to type “hey” and it comes out “vvshddhhehe”

*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*

there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing

Here to help

I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.

i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.

it wasn’t ebola

it wasn’t trump

it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year

it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone

I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.

My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.

This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.

Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark

My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.

When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you