Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth

I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.

I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.

One of them is lying.

My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.

I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy

[at the gym]

Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?

Waldo: Please don’t do that.

why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me

Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .

Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.

Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.

how to have fun when you’re poor

Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.

[at 25yr class reunion]

Me: You haven’t changed at all!

Her: Hahaha, thanks

Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane

Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”

We have no idea if you’re lying.

NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show

Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.

There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.

You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.

I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.

“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”

*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*

“Screw this!”

*walks in*

Nope!

*does a 360° and walks in further*

Ah that’s why I failed geometry

they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead

I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication

Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.

I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.

You might think off-brand products are, “just as good,” but I learned my lesson at Lollapalooka.

I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.

I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.

“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years

Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?

Aaaaaand tweet.

WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*