Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?

Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…

My funeral better have a fkn merch table

What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head

You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine

[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.

My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.

*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*

Me: Is anyone here with us?

T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E R

M: Oh my god! Mom!

Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.

Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.

y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s

Got him!

Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.

Um, yes, I love this place. How much is the deposit?

“Ma’am, this is a psych ward.”

Everyone got SO MAD when I started singing Gravity during the movie! Like I’m sorry but I PAID to be here. It’s not my fault Wicked was sold out and I had to see Gladiator II.

“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”

Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”

Batman: “Shut up.”

Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.

my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store

i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad

I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.

I hate how early it gets dark now.

Alaska: LOL

Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.

All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.

Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.

how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”

The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.

My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.

me: *fixing something*

him: that’s not broken

me: well, it is now

U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.