Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[David Attenborough narrating my life]

Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall

me: how do i get a girl to like me

dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room

{ later at party }

man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING

me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful

…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.

Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.

I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing

Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.

Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?

My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.

Interviewer: So tell me more about yourself.

Me: *can’t remember a single thing I’ve done in my entire life, ever*

If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.

Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.

Me: Damn you hate our house that much?

Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person

Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?

Hubs: Yes!!

You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.

Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.

*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*

Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.

So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.

Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car

Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……

E – I – E – I – O…..

YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.

If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on

TWITTER

2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral

2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable

2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater

2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools

nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head

Hey man be careful on the trampoline one of my buddies never came back down

Wait – my gym moved?

In 1997?

12 yo: I say “mucho” to all my Spanish speaking friends
me: why?
12: bc it means so much to them

Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.

[at the movies]

me: thank god it’s over

her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog

Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?

That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.

sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead

the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire