Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.

Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?

Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.

When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.

If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.

Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.

Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.

English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”

My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.

She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.

[amusement park]

me: *arms up, screaming*

cashier: but that is the price

2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”

I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are

[At a psychic fair]

Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?

Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?

Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.

[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity

An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.

Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.

I buy blocks of cheese.

For the grater good.

I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.

I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:

I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.

Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken

*Cooks dinner for family*

Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm

the worm is coming from inside the brain

Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.

DATE: Do you like cats?

ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?

Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.

Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.

If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.

My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.

“You have such a great personality”

Me: Thanks, I collect them