Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here

I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.

[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really

My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.

I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.

If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.

But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?

My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too cold

Under my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect

It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me

Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy

My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.

GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie

ME: …

G: Only u didn’t give it to me

M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair

“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”

My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.

[Shouts to passing jogger]

“Is there cake?”

If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.

in other news congrats to my therapist for securing a 4 year contract with me

[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt

‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.

Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”

doctor: describe your morning routine

me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance

doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g

me: I know how it’s spelled

Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.

WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus

I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES

Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*

Heck of a week to be a 50-year-old journalist working with people in their 20s when the news has been about pagers and now Tupperware.

My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.

I’ve never related to anyone less.

Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…

I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.

Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.

Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.

Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.