Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

no one likes gloating

Not to be all get off my lawn about it but at what point are we going to decide that maybe our vacuums and our refrigerators don’t need to connect to the internet and I shouldn’t need to have a password to do my laundry.

Me: can I get a breakfast burrito

Waiter: no breakfast after 11

Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs

Waiter: no eggs after 11

Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken

Waiter: sur—

Me: —pre born

Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”

just got on my email and unsubscribed from a bakery that i bought a cake from 3 years ago. after unsubscribing they sent another email saying ‘are you sure a friend didn’t unsubscribe you by mistake’? how often is that situation happening.

HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.

*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*

ME: I also have big news.

a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin

The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.

Asian gangs, also known as study groups..

Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.

It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?

me trying to get a bartender’s attention

I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.

I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.

Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad

Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?

Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.

Friends: C’mon, just have one….

Me: Ok, maybe just one.

[ three hours later at the club ]

Me:

When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready

In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.

That way the search dogs will find you first.

What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house

A spoo-key.

*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!

Ok now say “coffee”!

the official breakfast of 2021

How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.

I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble

Me: I look cute today.

Camera: No.

Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own

If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.

The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost

Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.

I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.

Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?