Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*death metal voice*

BUTTERRRRRR

What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.

Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.

*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*

Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…

The only occasions in which I will run:

– Zombie apocalypse

– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs

Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug

Got a bottle of Omega 3 thrown at me.. Luckily, my injuries were only super fish oil🙃

nurse: name?

me: david

nurse: age?

me: 35

nurse: sex?

me: almost once

If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.

But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers

I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.

My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.

I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.

I still have dents in my head from sleeping in hair curlers

I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend

girlfriend: is crying

me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while

i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years

Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?

I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.

SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-

ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES

SE: -on your sandwich?

ME: FIXER PUPPER

[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding

“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(

“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body

Why did they call it an Amazon wishlist and not an ‘Oughttobuyography’.

My dad told me a guy who claimed to be the drummer for steppenwolf stole his wallet in the Sacramento airport so I pulled up a picture and he was like “wow that’s the guy”

So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?

How often were people sneezing into salad bars before they invented the sneeze guard?

guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name

HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL