Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.

No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.

Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes

me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe

girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao

My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket

My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.

ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film

HIPSTER: I preferred the original

M: Original? What original?

H: Nosfera One.

Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,

Come back to me.

[on a first date]

Her: Have you ate here before?

Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time

How to open a letter:

1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO

Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.

TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service

Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]

Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin

When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.

My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.

why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*

someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner

waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument

me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember

I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?

This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby

All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.

Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.

Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?

When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.

totally get it, nature valley bar, i also pretend to be healthy and then crumble under the slightest pressure

Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson

Bloke outside my window has had his car engine running for about 20 minutes now, while jazz plays loudly on the radio within. Just in case you were wondering what I’ll be citing as “mitigating circumstances”.

My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.

My favorite animal is fried chicken.

Let’s ride.

So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.

A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.