Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
You Might Also Like
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
Today’s tshirt
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
pov you are seriously underestimating how big whales are
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
[montage of me giving-up]
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel