Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one

*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see

*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*

Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.

Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight

Hearing those four little words always makes my day.

“Your order just shipped.”

If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately

I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.

The worst thing you can do while cleaning is sit down for a minute 😭

I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too

Remorse?

I’m pretty sure I didn’t morse in the first place.

Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.

11-year-old: I did.

Me: They’re still on the floor.

11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones

guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking

“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years

*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING

Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?

Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.

[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full

St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.

My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.

Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME

And I laughed so hard I cried

So yeah! I’m great at dating

Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”

I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time

[staff meeting]

“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”

you have three unread messages

What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”

What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”

Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.

Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.

Party Tip:

At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.

Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?

I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.