Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
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I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’
Is fructose made with real fruct?
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.