Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
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What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
Kudos to the person who invented denim pants.
They were a jeanious.
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
Archaeologists now believe our ancestors simply hated dusting
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
Friend: Since 2024 is almost over what have you accomplished this year?
Me: I don’t like your tone
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.