Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[getting shot out of a cannon] *to my date* I’ll call you when I land, Denise.

Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.

Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.

PATENT PENDING!!

Me: You owe me $33.50

Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*

I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment

i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact

a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men

(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here

no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.

I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.

Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you

Dung beetle: what’s the good news

Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans

Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?

Evolution: well

Me: This date is going well

Her: Yes

Me: You look sexy as hell

Her: Thank you

Guy she’s on a date with: dude

Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up

I love when the restaurant bathroom has different music playing than the restaurant. It’s like I’m going to Club Pee Pee

Husband: *driving*

Me: *breathing judgmentally*

Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.

My nephew once asked if I went to school back when things were still in black and white and my other nephew said to me “see, this is why i’m your favourite”

Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!

I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.

My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out

I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco

Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending

My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.

WTF. I was looking right at her.

Me: Achoo!

People trying to scare me: Boo!

My bladder: I hate October.

I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.

there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry

*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*

There. That should keep ’em out.

The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.

[birth of Jesus]

First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense

Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh

Third Wise Man: This is gold

First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit

[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling

Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China