Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.

this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning

date: what do you do?

me: i’m a filmmaker.

date: oh what’s that like?

me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.

*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*

mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you

[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab

There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.

I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red

Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.

Scrooge: I thought it was 3.

Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.

Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?

Day Two: Murder

Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.

I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.

(Sigh)

I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.

Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…

Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer

“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out

My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”

Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?

once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3

The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day

Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”

*mugger approaches*

Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”

I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”

HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please

wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off

“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”

*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*

Is this your 1st video conference call?

*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm no

So you’re aware we can see you?

*Cough* what *cough*

[in the insect dissection room]

Your fly is open.

Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.

The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.

[Chevy commercial]

“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”

Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded

Woman: I feared for my life the entire time