Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?

I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.

A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered

Me: they’re my service bees

Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you

Me: they’re trained

Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.

A coworker just said she couldn’t change the printer ink because she’s very sensitive to electrodes(?) and didn’t have the right crystals to counteract(??)

Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?

Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking

Airports should have tattoo parlors for those of us with long layovers and poor impulse control

Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut

Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.

[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp

7: I don’t want you to have any more babies

Me: That’s okay because I’m not having any more babies

7: Good, but I’m still gonna worry till you’re 50

Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…

Johnny Depp: no thanks.

Sorry. Not sorry

My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.

I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.

It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.

“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire

If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.

When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.

In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.

“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”

My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.

I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.

So who’s the hero now?

So glad we cleared that up

Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.

“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook

Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!

chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.

My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.

Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.