Daughter: dada what are you watching?

Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.

Son: what’s it about?

Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.


Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?

Me: no idea lol.

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Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.


Me: *blankets pulled up to my neck* Hey baby

Wife: Oh my God. Are you naked under there?

Bed Bath and Beyond Employee: Can I help you folks find anything?


Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?


There are so many scary things in life:
-the woman in line behind me who just said “boughten”


[spelling bee]

Moderator: your word is sentence

Me: can you use it in a sentence?

Moderator: your word is sentence


Daughter: Dad do Zombies exist?

Dad: No dear they’re people wearing lots of makeup.

Daughter: Oh like mommy?

Dad: Close enough.




me: I know what to do!
*gets a car wash*

(Storm clouds appear on the horizon)


(Sigh) I must be getting older. I just read a whole book about a giant sperm whale called Moby Dick and I didn’t giggle once…