Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
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Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
describing stardew valley
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.