@NewDadNotes

Daughter: dada what are you watching?

Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.

Son: what’s it about?

Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.

[later]

Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?

Me: no idea lol.

You Might Also Like

@lisaxy424

Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.

@Mr_Kapowski

Me: *blankets pulled up to my neck* Hey baby

Wife: Oh my God. Are you naked under there?

Bed Bath and Beyond Employee: Can I help you folks find anything?

@Tommytoughstuff

Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?

@liv_thatsme

There are so many scary things in life:
-fear
-hate
-murder
-injustice
-the woman in line behind me who just said “boughten”

@FU_TangClan

[spelling bee]

Moderator: your word is sentence

Me: can you use it in a sentence?

Moderator: your word is sentence

@qwertying

Daughter: Dad do Zombies exist?

Dad: No dear they’re people wearing lots of makeup.

Daughter: Oh like mommy?

Dad: Close enough.

@liv_thatsme

“THE CROPS ARE DYING!”

“NO ONE WILL SURVIVE THIS DROUGHT!”

me: I know what to do!
*gets a car wash*

(Storm clouds appear on the horizon)

@djdarrellripley

(Sigh) I must be getting older. I just read a whole book about a giant sperm whale called Moby Dick and I didn’t giggle once…